With graduation just around the corner combined with the fact that all three of us (authors of this blog) have seniors….well, there have been some pretty sweet~bitter~sweet~bitter moments around here.
I happen to know that one of us, I’ll let you guess who, had a total breakdown over taking a family selfie at a local theme park. While gathering her sweet family into the right configuration, something just hit her. Was it the realization that this was the last time they would all be able to skip school and come? The fact that this was the culmination of many years of traditions that were coming to an end? Too many funnel cakes and pork rinds? Whatever the case, her loving family made sure to take plenty of pictures of her trying to choke back sobs while she was holding the camera.
Another one of us, again I’ll let you guess, has been keeping herself as busy as humanly (im)possible to keep the”empty nest” feelings at bay. If crying must occur, it is done efficiently and privately and then the busyness resumes. This is actually a pretty productive way to mourn….a lot gets accomplished while processing takes place!
We all process….in our own ways. None of us REALLY want our kids to live in our basements forever, but all of realize that change is tricky. I had a “moment” the other night, when the house was quiet and my eldest and I were sitting in the kitchen chatting. He was scarfing down an extra 2400 calories before bed (oh to have that 18-year-old metabolism again!) and casually said to me, “I can’t believe that tomorrow is my last day of high school. Ever.”
With that little bomb dropped, he wiped the crumbs from his face and sauntered off to bed.
I stared after him and listened to his size 14 shoes clomp up the stairs….and totally broke.
I went into the guest bathroom, locked the door, and had an ugly-snot-dripping-shoulders-heaving kind of cry.
I sent a sappy message to my other mom friends, and played through a mental photo book in my head of all the moments that I had taken for granted that would never happen again.
I went through almost an entire roll of toilet paper wiping my nose and just gave into my sadness.
Then, when I was utterly spent (and realized my eyes were going to be puffy for days) I had this idea that it was probably time to chat with God about all of this.
So I did. I told Him the good, the bad, and the embarrassingly selfishly ugly.
After pouring out my heart for a bit, I finished with something along the lines of:
“God, I know it’s a privilege to watch my baby become a man. I know he’s going to be fine and that we are too. I know You have big plans for him and love him way more that even I do. But…here’s the thing. I really enjoyed these last 18 years of having my whole family under my roof. I really really liked it. And the truth is I’m just very sad this chapter is over.”
Know what? God met me in that bathroom. As soon as I said those words, I literally had a flashback to another time I’d said them. A time when I didn’t want to leave my job because I really loved it, but I knew it was what He wanted me to do for my family. A time when I poured out my heart to Him and told Him that I was really sad a chapter I had enjoyed so much was over.
And God, in his gentle way, reminded me that because I’d said good-bye to that chapter back then, I had been able to have the 18 year chapter I loved so much with my three babies. Because I’d said good-bye to something good, something better came.
Memory after memory flooded my brain and filled my heart of times I’d been so sad about leaving something behind, only to be presented with a new chapter that became a better reality than I could have imagined.
As I say good-bye to this part of my life…something good is in the works. Beautiful times are coming…ones that my limited “I-don’t-want-change!” mind simply cannot comprehend. I just have to trust that…trust Him. Trust His promises. Trust and be thankful that He reminds me of how faithful He is….even in the midst of my bathroom breakdowns.
As these kids strap on their caps and gowns and walk across the stage and out of our arms….we’re going to feel empty for a bit. That’s just a fact of life. But, I KNOW better things are coming. And I’m excited.
Yes, it’s sad to realize that some things won’t come again. But, in their place, will come new realities full of new joy.
I’m ready. I think. As soon as I can manage to get rid of my swollen puffy eye-bags, I’m ready.
And so are our babies.
Here’s to the next chapter….I have a feeling it’s going to be beautiful.
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